Sunday, February 12, 2012

i'd do it all again

Mr. Samuel,

It's hard to believe you're almost six months old.  Six months!  It seems like a time warp to me.  Sometimes I feels like it was just yesterday that we were driving to Logan on yours and Daddy's birthday.  That was a pretty big day, you know!  We were so glad to finally meet you- we'd waited a long time. 

It's been a little crazy since you were born.  Lucky for us, you are the sweetest little guy.  Easy going like your dad, you've rolled with the punches and faced the drama with a smile on your face.  The other day the girls were helping me go through a box of Porter's clothes that Aunt Haylee sent us.  They were so excited to see all the new duds you will get to wear over the next few months.  They all started laughing when they found a shirt that read, "CURRENT FAMILY FAVORITE".  We all agreed that you hold that spot quite handily.  I must admit I'm a little jealous, as I'm pretty sure I'll never get a unanimous vote for that position.  The thing is, you're a better politician than me.  No matter who is in your immediate presence, they are greeted with a great big grin.  You're handsome, you're smooth, and you have a way with girls (in this house, that holds a lot of water).  You're a sure winner. 

I've been thinking about something for a while.  Sometimes when we're out and about, people ask me how I'm feeling.  We live in a very good place, and everyone is very kind.  But often, some of the comments I hear make me want to cover your ears.  I frequently am told things like, "I hope it was worth it to get that boy" or "This boy sure has been hard on you!"  I know they don't mean anything unkind by it.  Even Daddy once teased you, "You're gonna have to thank Mommy every day of your life for what she's had to go through to get you here".  It's just that I don't feel that way at all.

So, my little Sam-The-Man.  When you hear those things, I want to know that you understand my side of the story.  Let's just get a few things straight here:

1.  I never had baby number five just so I could have a boy.  I had another baby because I knew there was a spirit in heaven who was waiting to come into our family.  We were ecstatic when we found out you were on your way.  When we found out you were going to be a boy, that was just frosting.  There are many pages in my journal devoted to the wrestle I had in understanding your coming into our family.  Believe me when I say this, YOU were meant to come to our family.  

2.  When I speak of those journal pages, much of what I wrote contains some of the most sacred experiences of my life.  Experiences I will someday share with you.  There are lessons I learned before you even got here that I could have only learned through you.  Lessons I will forever be thankful for. 

3.  Likewise, the lessons I am learning (and, I must add- the lessons that our family is learning) since you have joined our family are just as precious.  Sometimes I get discouraged at myself, but I know one thing.  Me getting sick was not an accident.  Just as I am a sure that you were supposed to come to our family, I know just as surely that the chapter after your arrival was part of the plan too.  A while ago, I wrote of my "new normal" along with a favorite quote that advised, "relax, smile, and pretend this is part of the plan".  Afterwards I realized that I don't have to pretend.  This is part of the plan.  Our job is to be thankful Heavenly Father is trusting us with this opportunity to grow.  Most importantly, we need to allow it to change us so we can become closer to what He sees in us.

Sometimes, I look at you and each of your sisters and I see in your faces the important place each of have in our family.  Each of you is a sacred part of our family.  Each of you holds a piece of our story.  Sometimes I hold one of you and feel a little bit sad that I will never have another baby.  For me, there is nothing quite like having a baby.  A while ago I read something a mom had written about the day her baby was born.  She said that she looked at the world going on around her and knew that what was happening to her family was the most important thing happening that day.  That is just how I always feel the day I have a baby.  That's why it is a little bit hard to think those new baby days are over, but at the same time I type this, I know that it's okay.  You see, our family is complete.  And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

Courtney + Kelly + girl + girl + girl + girl + boy = TRUE LOVE. 

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