Saturday, April 9, 2016

a heavy load, it seems

It's one o'clock in the morning and I should be sleeping, but not tonight.

Nothing is really very wrong at all, but it is one of those days where life feels a bit overwhelming.  When all the little things seem like big things, all piled up and making with me feel like I don't have much of a say in any of it.  And because I know deep down that everything is mostly okay and I have so much to be thankful for, I am left looking at myself and thinking I am a bit silly- because I know that my load is a pretty darn easy load in comparison to so many others.

Mostly, I'm probably just a bit tired and discouraged which always makes things look bigger than they are.

This week was spring break.  Courtney was working out of town for the week, and with the kids having a full 4 days out of school I put my whole heart into trying to make it fun and memorable. A trip to the park, kite flying, a great walk one evening, and a few days in the city with a fun hotel stay. Nothing monumental, but I really tried to be present, you know?  Days 1-4 went so well, but day 5 was a little rough.  I came down with a little stomach bug, got frustrated and lost my cool trying to enlist help around the house, spent 3+ hours at the ER with Sam after he stuck himself with Court's epi-pen, and then ended the day with what feels like a mounting disagreement/discipline situation.  Why is it that one day out of five makes me feel like I'm failing?

This parenting stuff can be pretty hard sometimes.  I sure wish I was better at it.  Slower to anger, quicker to see the good.  It's a slow march I'm making toward becoming the person I'd like to be, and nothing makes that more apparent than when I slip up with the ones I love.

For me, I think it is the lack of control.  It's funny, I never thought of myself as being a control freak 'til I became a parent.  It is obvious to me now how much I struggle with it.  It's so easy to speak of agency and all of it's virtues when everyone is doing that which is agreeable.  But when those choices are contrary to what I have in mind, I find my weaknesses making a grand showing.

A few weeks ago, I read the statement "Real growth cannot happen without real freedom."  It struck a chord, and today has reminded me that I have a long way to go in understanding agency in relation to parenting and family life. Lots of prayers needed on this front, that's for sure.

But, tomorrow is a new day and I'm sure it will all seem sunshiney-er in the morning (I made up that word just now).  That's the thing.  There is always something good in every day- even today.  I can think back on the things Sam said that made me laugh- for instance, when the monitor at the hospital kept going off and we told him we couldn't make it stop.  He told us matter-of-factly that all you need to do to fix a computer is to push X a couple of times.  Kate won her first soccer game of the season, which I think she was a little nervous about.  Physically- I'm feeling much better than I was this afternoon.  Sam's ER visit was perfectly smooth-sailing- and hopefully a lesson was learned.  Everyone is sleeping, safe and sound and healthy.  And tomorrow we'll start fresh and try again.  This really is A Time To Be Happy.