just thinking. . .

I'm completely aware by now that family life has it's moments. High moments. . .low moments. And all of the moments in between that make it interesting. And to be honest, I'm grateful for them all.

I'm not sure that I'm really in a "low" moment right now, but I've been thinking. Just trying to assess how I'm doing at this job. And that gives me a lot to think about. . .

Am I doing good enough? I try to tell myself that I'm probably doing better than I think- you know, a mothering "pep talk". But I have my doubts. What if I'm actually doing worse than I think? That could be a problem.

And what about time? As in, how's the best way to spend it? Especially now that I'm not only responsible for how I spend my time, but also for how I spend the girls' time. This is tricky business. I feel like they have so little time. School takes such a big chunk. And then what? Do I insist on homework, reading, practicing, chores. . .etc, etc? All the things we're told we should be doing? Or do I let them be kids and play? Forget the routine, the structure? It seems they have a lot of it. On one hand, I worry that I'm not teaching them the tools, the "stick-to-it"ness that they'll need to succeed in such a demanding world. On the other hand, they're kids! What good is success if you've never been able to stop and smell the roses a little? I want them to be able to achieve and feel confident in school. But I also want them to run, to laugh, to create. Sometimes it just seems there's not time for both. I don't like that. And I wonder if I'm making the right choices.

I wonder about all the nitty gritty details of my parenting. Lately it seems like we have way too much fighting, unkind words, and impatience. Am I the cause of all this? Is it a reflection of the way I handle problems? That makes me shudder. It's terrifying to think what I may be passing on as a result of my weaknesses. Courtney reminds me that it is partly the age, and even normal. But I don't want it to be normal. Which brings me to my other question: do I make too big a deal of everything?

In addition, I've become painfully aware that I don't laugh enough. Which makes me sad, because I want nothing more than for the girls to know that I enjoy them. That they make me smile. I want them to remember my laugh. But somehow I get so caught up in managing our family life that I'm forgetting to be present. To slow down. To listen. And to laugh.
I'm afraid that part of me is always thinking ahead and planning what needs to be done next. Above all, I really, really want to laugh more.

Whew. This sounds like I'm a candidate for therapy. Maybe it's the rain (seriously, it's been raining for three straight days). Maybe I'm just needing a little sunshine and blue sky.

Then again, maybe it's just motherhood? All of the wondering, doubting, learning, hoping, praying. It's not just the kids who are growing around here. And I think that's the wonder of it all. Life offers us an unending opportunity for growth.

My mom once shared a great piece of wisdom. (She's good at that). During one of my early parenting dilemmas, she told me that as a mother, there will be times when everyone acts so naughty that you begin to despair you are doing anything right at all. Then, just about the time you decide you are a complete failure, everything turns around and the children appear almost angelic. For a time, she told me, things will begin to be so peaceful that you begin to pride yourself on your sheer wisdom and outstanding parenting abilities. But, about the time you decide to author your own parenting book, all heck will break loose and you'll wonder what you did to create such a mess.

What truth! I'm only 9 years into this business and I'm definitely seeing a cycle here.

I guess that's the secret. Or one of them, anyway. If I can just remember while I'm in the thick of it all that things will turn around, that it will begin to look up. That the grumbling and the bickering and the second-guessing is only a moment. A little moment in what can be a wonderful cycle of wonder and learning and laughter and joy.

Which reminds me. Tonight I was feeling exhausted and a bit discouraged as I buoyed myself up for another round of herding everyone to bed, and I wondered if I could do it all again tomorrow. And then I glanced up to see my three little girls perched close together on the piano bench, teaching each other a little song. I heard them laugh, their heads bent close together. They were enjoying each other. And I couldn't help but feel lucky to have witnessed such a magical moment. And to have had the peace of mind to notice that it was indeed, magical.

And in that little moment, I thanked my Father in Heaven for Motherhood.