my second chance

*I began writing this post last Friday, but haven't gotten it posted until now.  It's been really hard for me to put everything into words.  I have lots more I need to record, but it might take me a while to get it out.  It is now  Tuesday evening and we are happy to report I cam home last night!  After considering sending me to a rehab for a while, it was decided that since I have a newborn at home, it would be best for us to be together.  It is so good to be home and be a family again.  I'm getting around with the help of a walker, and my stamina is very short.  To put it lightly, I have lots of work to do to get back to the physical me that we are used to.  While I can't wait to be able to get around like I am used to, I hope that in many ways, I will never be the same
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Well, I don't know what to say. 

The past week's happenings were definitely not in my plan.  Not in Courtney's plan, or the girls.  We had no idea what was coming.

But Heavenly Father did.  I'm sure of that. 

One week ago today  (it is Friday, isn't it?) I came pretty close to leaving this life.  At least that's what they keep trying to help me understand.  I guess I knew it at the time, but it's one of those things that's a little hard to wrap your mind around.  A week later, I'm still trying to.  I'm thinking it's going to take a while to process everything. 

Last Friday, we had been home with Samuel for almost four days and I was feeling like we were getting settled in a bit.  While in the hospital, he had spent five days in the NICU, and so I was so ready to get home where I could hold him whenever I wished and have him to myself.  The girls were loving him!  That morning as I sat in bed feeding him, I had a thought that I would be going to the hospital that day.  It seemed out of the blue, because I had been feeling so well.  I thought of when I had to be hospitalized with pleurisy a week or two after Claire was born and figured that I might have the same thing happen again.  This time though, would be simple, because I knew what to expect and what would resolve the problem, and so I tried not to worry about it. 

The rest of the afternoon went by with me feeling great.  Courtney had gone to work and Emmy, Kate, and Claire were away for the afternoon.  Shortly after Ryenne got home from school, I saw Courtney drive in with his brother Nate.  He poked in his head to let me know they would be out at his desk working for a while.  It was about 4:30.  Almost immediately after he walked out I started feeling painful cramps.  I started bleeding and was barely able to make it to the bathroom and back to my bed, where I curled up in a ball.  I hadn't ever felt cramps like that.  Ryenne came in about this time and went running for her dad, but I told her to wait.  I didn't want Nate to come in and see me like that, which everyone laughs at no, but it seemed like a big deal at the time.  When everything continued to get worse, I texted Courtney and asked him to come in ASAP as soon as Nate left.  Later I found out he never got the text until I sent a second one about ten minutes later that said, "HURRY PLEASE!"  At that point he came running in and got everything rolling.  He called my ob's office, and began arranging for someone to come and stay with Samuel and Ryenne.  I was having a hard time deciding whether I should really go or not.  I kept telling Courtney I didn't want to overreact and be a drama queen!  About the time I changed my mind, the heavy bleeding turned to gushing and we knew we didn't have a choice.

We headed to Logan, and checked into the ER, where we were given a room and were blessed with a super nurse.   As the hours progressed, so did my bleeding.   Before long realized I was in pretty big trouble.  I could see it in the nurses eyes, and I definitely saw the panic in Courtney's eyes as he watched everything unfold.  I tried to calm myself by asking a nurse, "This is probably pretty common, isn't it", but she told us that no one had ever seen anything like this before.  As scared as I was, I think the hardest part was watching Courtney.  I''ll never forget his eyes. The ER brought in the on-call OBGYN, who I really feel was the perfect one to handle my situation.  She tried several different medicines (giving me 10 times the regular dose of one of them) to try to stop the bleeding.  Although they were hoping the medicines would work and spoke of the possibility of doing a D&C, I knew at this time that I would end up getting a hysterectomy.  This is a comfort to me now, because I feel like my earlier impression that day, in addition to this understanding prepared me for what would happen and helps me have faith that Heavenly Father's hand was involved with everything that was happening.  When my bleeding continued, I developed a life threatening condition called DIC.  Courtney says I ought to put a WEB MD link to explain it, but basically I have been told over and over that DIC is any doctor or nurse's worse nightmare, as very few survive it.   Everyday we understand a little more about what a serious condition this is and how difficult it is to reverse.  Fortunately our doctor acted quickly and decided to do an emergency hysterectomy.  

Not that the past few hours had been easy, but this is where it gets hard for me. I've put off writing it down, but Courtney's mom encouraged me to start writing, as it seems to help me process things and find understanding. I know she's right, but it's still hard for me to put that night into words.

The next little while was pretty scary.  The doctor had told me that the surgery was an effort to save my life.  That's a pretty hard thing to face.  At this point, some of the nurses were in tears and of course, we were too.  As they prepped everything for the surgery, Courtney and I had a few minutes to talk. He gave me a last minute blessing, which helped ease my fears and, we believe saved my life. 

The surgery lasted three and half hours.  I now have another incision, which runs up and down above my c-section incision.  (Courtney and Aunt Kelsey have some really cool tattoo ideas!)   I received ten units of blood, and have received two since.  (The doctors tell me I've had a complete oil change!)  Shortly after surgery, I was taken via LifeFlight to Salt Lake City and admitted into the Shock/Trauma ICU unit.  I've learned a few things over the past week, one being that there is a fast helicopter for LifeFlight and an even faster one.  I got a moonlight ride on the even faster version.  It took only 20 minutes to get me from Logan to Salt Lake City.  Needless to say, I don't remember a whole lot about that flight. I spent two days in ICU, and have spent the past week in the mother/baby unit where I'm still trying to recover.  I've had a really hard time getting back on my feet- literally!  My legs aren't working very well, and I pass out easily.  It's slowly getting better though, and I'm trying to be positive. 

The kids are in great care, thanks to great grandparents and aunts and uncles.  We miss them so much, but have been able to have a few visits.  Courtney is my rock, as always, and has hardly left my side in the past week. Everyone keeps trying to talk him into leaving, and I know it will come, but we are both feeling like we need each other right now.

We are so blessed to be to this point.  I am sometimes discouraged at the slow progress,, but realize that this whole experience is part of a greater plan and I have much to learn.  I'm so thankful to have another chance to grow and become the person and mom I would like to be. 

I'll continue to write more about our latest adventure.  We're hoping to get home soon, and get back to our kiddos. 

And, of course, we would love any prayers you could send our way.