i never imagined

Not much going on.

You know, it's just 4:00 in the morning. What else would I be doing but sitting at the computer and typing? Can't think of a single thing.

I had a realization today. (Or maybe it I should call it yesterday?) This thought has run through my mind before. Hundreds of times in fact. But as I was performing something akin to an architectural dig in my van, it occured to me that yes, it is true. Completely and absolutely confirmed. While scraping sucker sticks off the armrest and vacuuming up bagel pieces from a recent in flight food fight, the harsh reality stared me right in the face.

I'm not the mother I thought I'd be.

I thought I'd be organized.

I thought I'd be nice. All the time.

I thought I would be caught up. On the laundry. On my exercise. On scripture reading with my kids. And myself.

I thought we'd do crafts.

I thought I'd be hip.

I thought my van would be clean. Except, I never thought I'd drive a van. But I thought I'd have clean car seats. And stuff.

I thought my yard would be lovely. And tidy. And we'd all sit out and enjoy the evenings in solitude. Only thing is, there's not much solitude around this joint.

But you know what?

There's more to all of this.

I never imagined I'd learn so much. About myself. About my Father in Heaven. About these little spirits He sent me. About how much more there is to learn.

I never dreamed I'd have these feelings. Appreciate little kisses so much. Tiny hands. Bitsy toes.

I never knew how fulfilled I'd be. Watching them grow. Marveling at the wonder of each of them.

Not in a million years could I have imagined the joy I'd experience. That it would fill all of me. Completely.

Like most things in life, motherhood is nothing like I ever imagined. It's better.

For although I've never felt quite so out of order. . .
I've never felt so at home.