Finding The Happy (or in other words, Living Through A Worldwide Pandemic)

For some reason, I haven’t really written anything about our daily lives since we’ve gone into quarantine mode. (Which is funny, considering I have repeatedly told the kids that they are living history and shout be writing this all down).  It doesn’t happen very often, I know...but for some odd reason I haven't had much to say.  This whole thing has rendered me speechless.



But last night, I went on a long car ride with my senior girl who is so, so sad about all of the memories-to-be-made that have been suddenly erased from her last year of high school.  After almost a month of homeschool, yesterday it was announced that schools would be closed for the rest of the year.  I mostly knew it was coming, but still.  All of the “lasts”, senior ball, red & white, time with friends, lacrosse season (that she has been optimistically practicing for every day), senior trips, college visits, and time with friends (worth two mentions because she is that disappointed), and of course, graduation.  How does this even happen?  Sure, these kids are resilient and they’ll get through life just fine. Better than fine, I believe. But this? It’s hard right now.



My almost 16 year old is nervous she won’t get her license on time. The girl who has always marked time by how many “fun things” she has that day...she misses her friends too. She misses all the fun things. She thrives on people and conversation and her options are a bit limited right now.  Going to work for Aunt Kelsey has become a highlight.  A fashion show of sorts.  When you have a reason to get dressed and do your hair, you GET DRESSED AND DO YOUR HAIR!!!  Especially this girl.



My fifth grader. A social butterfly as well. The girl who had finally adjusted to her new elementary school and is worried she’ll never see all of her new found friends who will be going to a different high school next year.  Also, the end of fifth grade and the elementary years isn't senior year, but it is a right of passage and to her, it all seems so unfair.



My little guy. He’s loving all the outside time. He is constantly tinkering.  We had a bike set up on the trainer in our family room (courtesy of Sam) the other day.  He is shooting at things from his bedroom window (don’t ask🤦🏼‍♀️), planning fishing trips, and watching as many “Finding Bigfoot” & “The Cowboy Way” episodes as his mom will allow.  His boyhood is thriving.  His schoolwork? Not so much.



Oh, and my oldest? On strict quarantine in one of the biggest cities in the nation. She can longer go to the grocery store and has learned how to freeze and unthaw gallons of milk & cook dried beans (and everyone should know how to freeze and unthaw milk & cook dried beans, I suppose). She’s had a few pretty darn discouraging days this month, but is “pulling up her big girl pants” and moving ahead.  Because really, life is all about pulling up our big kid pants and also- that’s what everyone is doing right now.  She is happy and well and thankfully still gets one outing a week to the laundromat, hooray!  They play country music over the sound system there, so it's an outing plus George Strait (if she is lucky).  I passed on her grandma's suggestion that perhaps she should do her laundry at home, in the sink :).  That went over about how I thought it would.   After all, what would life be without one outing a week?



We are constantly re-working a sort of loose routine. (I’ve never been good at strict-anything). The kids have picked up water coloring, online schooling, and parenting each other on the hourly. I’ve picked up grocery shopping for four households at a time, reading family history, and instructing my kids 1053 times a day that the ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT US YOURSELF BECAUSE LUCKY FOR YOU, YOU AREN’T A PARENT YET!!! And...ONE DAY YOU’LL HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT ALLLLLLL THE PEOPLE IN YOUR HOUSE ARE DOING BUT LUCKY FOR YOU THAT TIME.IS.NOT.TODAY.



Aaaaaaand….......Deep breath.



Really, we have it pretty darn easy, something that I remind the kids & myself often. We are so lucky to live in the country, where we have plenty of room to run & go on walks and a little house that’s just big enough that we don’t touch each other every time we turn. We are eating dinner together every night. We are more consistent at the things that really matter, but not perfect.  (And really, I have no excuses except we are just us and I haven’t found anything we are even close to perfect at, so we’ll just keep striving for a little improvement on our normal mediocre).  At a time when so many are experiencing such heartache and financial stress and deep worries, are we healthy and happy and home.



You’d think I’d have lots of time to have everything whipped into shape but I don’t. (Have everything whipped into shape, that is. I have the time, but not the whipping-into shape-ability, apparently). I am enjoying my kids being close (except for all of the self-proclaimed parenting, of course). I like the slower pace, the almost daily walks.  I love the art work laying all over the wood stove.  The slow dinners. Baking bread and having time to cook dinner every night. But also I am also a little tired of cooking dinner every night.



In all honesty, part of me is scared that everything will go back to the way it was before, and part of me is scared it will never go back to the way it was before.



This time, right now.  It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced.  One day, I think we’ll look back and look upon it as a sacred, holy time.

I’ve been thinking and even talking to my older kids how, when you’re right in the midst of the biggest, best growing seasons, it doesn’t feel sacred at all.  It’s hard and it sometimes hurts. Growing involves two steps forward and one step back.  It can feel like we are not going anywhere at all.



Life.  I am learning that in all experiences, there are these little glimmers of light. The very things that make it so hard - the interruptions to life-as-we-knew-it...those un-asked for spaces.  They are what lets the light in.



This is a time to be happy.

We have trained ourselves to fill the empty spaces. If there is a hole in the day, we fill it. A gap in the schedule? We find something to shove in the cracks. But this. This is a time to learn.  This pandemic is teaching us how to find beauty in the unplanned and the unwanted. The cracks and the crevices that we never even asked for.



Now is a time to find the happy. It’s time to let the light in.

I'm gonna start writing again.

I used to keep up this old blog, fairly consistently. It was my therapy. I started writing on a whim - a challenge from a friend when blogging was first booming. At the time, I was in a pretty low place. Three young kids, a hard-working husband who was rarely home, the financial stresses of self-employment...I couldn’t see my life ever being anything different than it was at that moment. I think I was stuck in a post-postpartum depression.

 Little did I know, that little blog saved me. It saved my motherhood. I started to write about our craziness. And once I started to write, the infuriating became hilarious.  I could find the purpose in the midst of the hard.  All of the sudden, I could see the good. Three kids eventually became four and four became five. I got sick and the kids got busier and something (lots of somethings) had to go. After a while, instagram became a thing and I started recording our crazy there. It was quicker and I needed quick.

I’ve been wanting to get back to it, the longer musings. But, busy reigns.



This morning I decided it is time. Maybe it’s because I’ve been reading old journals. All of those “ordinary days” of my grandparents have brought light and direction and mostly just light.  All things that I didn’t even know I needed. Then last night, Claire & Sam wanted to read our old blog books for bedtime.  The kids have always loved reading them.



When I woke  up this morning, I knew.  It’s time. Maybe just for a minute or two, but I’m gonna start writing again.

a heavy load, it seems

It's one o'clock in the morning and I should be sleeping, but not tonight.

Nothing is really very wrong at all, but it is one of those days where life feels a bit overwhelming.  When all the little things seem like big things, all piled up and making with me feel like I don't have much of a say in any of it.  And because I know deep down that everything is mostly okay and I have so much to be thankful for, I am left looking at myself and thinking I am a bit silly- because I know that my load is a pretty darn easy load in comparison to so many others.

Mostly, I'm probably just a bit tired and discouraged which always makes things look bigger than they are.

This week was spring break.  Courtney was working out of town for the week, and with the kids having a full 4 days out of school I put my whole heart into trying to make it fun and memorable. A trip to the park, kite flying, a great walk one evening, and a few days in the city with a fun hotel stay. Nothing monumental, but I really tried to be present, you know?  Days 1-4 went so well, but day 5 was a little rough.  I came down with a little stomach bug, got frustrated and lost my cool trying to enlist help around the house, spent 3+ hours at the ER with Sam after he stuck himself with Court's epi-pen, and then ended the day with what feels like a mounting disagreement/discipline situation.  Why is it that one day out of five makes me feel like I'm failing?

This parenting stuff can be pretty hard sometimes.  I sure wish I was better at it.  Slower to anger, quicker to see the good.  It's a slow march I'm making toward becoming the person I'd like to be, and nothing makes that more apparent than when I slip up with the ones I love.

For me, I think it is the lack of control.  It's funny, I never thought of myself as being a control freak 'til I became a parent.  It is obvious to me now how much I struggle with it.  It's so easy to speak of agency and all of it's virtues when everyone is doing that which is agreeable.  But when those choices are contrary to what I have in mind, I find my weaknesses making a grand showing.

A few weeks ago, I read the statement "Real growth cannot happen without real freedom."  It struck a chord, and today has reminded me that I have a long way to go in understanding agency in relation to parenting and family life. Lots of prayers needed on this front, that's for sure.

But, tomorrow is a new day and I'm sure it will all seem sunshiney-er in the morning (I made up that word just now).  That's the thing.  There is always something good in every day- even today.  I can think back on the things Sam said that made me laugh- for instance, when the monitor at the hospital kept going off and we told him we couldn't make it stop.  He told us matter-of-factly that all you need to do to fix a computer is to push X a couple of times.  Kate won her first soccer game of the season, which I think she was a little nervous about.  Physically- I'm feeling much better than I was this afternoon.  Sam's ER visit was perfectly smooth-sailing- and hopefully a lesson was learned.  Everyone is sleeping, safe and sound and healthy.  And tomorrow we'll start fresh and try again.  This really is A Time To Be Happy.

flying

Time is flying by.

I've heard it said of parenting that "the days are long, but the years are short".  I look back at the younger years and remember the truth of that.  I recall the long days, waiting 'til daddy got home from work.  I loved those days, but there was an endless feel to them.

My days don't feel long anymore.  Right now, it seems as though the days are short and so are the years.  These are days of waking up early and sending kiddos off in phases.  First the older two, trading advice on outfit choices, swapping sandals and jewelry, trying new hair styles.  Prayers, afterschool activity updates, and they're off.  Next, wake the younger two girls.  Breakfast, hair, talking Claire into a jacket, and too often a hurried reading of the baggy books that didn't get read the day before.  Once again- prayers, "Choose the right and Be Kind!" and waving through the doorway as they climb on the bus.  By this time, Sam is sometimes awake and sometimes still sleeping.  If he's still asleep, I peek in on him.  He has taken to sleeping on a castoff crib mattress on the floor between Emmy and Claire's bed.  He is sleeping much better now he has roommates.  I walk into the older girls quiet rooms, stepping over the tossed-on-the-floor clothing (the obvious losers of that particular days fashion show).  I turn out lights, raise the blinds, and shut the door for the day.

I like our busily quiet mornings.  I tackle my list for the day.  Sam watches a show or plays while I do a barre workout, we tidy the house, throw in some laundry, and if I'm on my game, start something for dinner.  There are dishes to be done, rooms that need cleaning, and a house that gets straightened in preparation for the whirlwind that arrives in a few hours as the girls start arriving from school.  Most mornings include a call to Grandpa from Mr. Sam, in hopes he can "go to work".  Now that the weather is warming up, there is grass to be mowed, flowers to be planted, and weeds to pull.

Claire arrives just before lunch, hungry and sometimes a little grouchy tired from her big morning away.  We eat lunch, chat about the day, and she and Sam often head somewhere to play.  Lately, they are into catching pet worms (although Claire insists no worm will ever match-up to last weeks "Lucy" in terms of friendliness.  RIP Lucy.)  On a good day, Claire talks me into making cookies with her.  Since making cookies is one of my favorite things to do, that happens pretty often.

Emmy comes next, and is always greeted with enthusiasm by the littles because she comes up with such fun activities for them to play.  School is her favorite, but no matter the itinerary, it almost always involves her teaching them something.

Kate follows shortly after- unless she stays after for math club, to work on History Fair, or lately, to practice soccer with Ashley.  It is snacks, homework, and then reading.  Lots of reading.  I usually have to cut it short in favor of a few chores getting done :).  

Ryenne is mostly gone: to work, practice, after school activities or with friends every chance she gets.  It feels strange to have her off and away so often, becoming so awfully independent.  Of course, this all involves a lot of driving around and picking up and dropping off, which makes me almost ready to send her off in a car before long.  Almost, but not quite.

Games, practices, homework, efforts to motivate kiddos to clean rooms that will be messy again by morning.  After school snacks and playing referee for the days disagreements.  Chatting with cheerful kids on good days and cheering up disgruntled kiddos on the not-so-good-days.  "Happys and sads" around the dinner table.

Showers and notes signed and books read and pajamas.  Scriptures and prayers if we are doing it the way we should, which of course, isn't every night but hopefully enough nights to make a difference.  Bedtime stories and bedtime kisses and if I'm being honest, bedtime battles.  Checking texts on teenage cell phones and often, following up with discussions about such things.  Long gone are the days of kids being in bed by 8.  (These older kids have stamina, I tell you.)

Finally I climb into bed, tired but mostly happy.  Weary from a full day and wondering if I'm doing it right.  Already making lists for the day ahead and saying quiet prayers and wondering about this child or that child and hoping they're getting everything they need from me.  Puzzling over what it is that I can do to be kinder, more patient, and create stronger relationships that will get our little family over the bumps that lie ahead.  Feeling thankful for this little family of mine and for a job that stretches me more than I ever imagined.

These are short days. . . filled with people who I love the best and who grow me the most.  And I wouldn't trade a thing.

a flower for mom

wo-jo family reunion. . .bear lake

Cole and Julie were in charge of last year's Wo-Jo reunion and it turned out to be so much fun.  We met up (with the exception of Josh & Kendra) in Bear Lake at a super fun cabin for a few days of fun.  The kids look forward to our family reunions all year long, which is no surprise because it is always non-stop family fun!  

Some of the highlights were seeing Minetonka cave, swimming at the pool, and of course spending a few afternoons at the lake.  We had a huge tube to pull everyone behind the boat, which led to Courtney doing his very best to get everyone off the tube!  Those of us waiting on the beach could hear the laughter all the way from out on the water!  It was lots of fun!  We ended the weekend with a stop for Raspberry shakes (because, how can you not?) and said our goodbyes.  Already looking forward to this summer!

ogden temple open house